


The Horse Thing

by Beryll (Rynthjan)



Series: Bathtub Things [2]
Category: Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-17
Updated: 2012-04-17
Packaged: 2017-11-03 19:46:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/385187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rynthjan/pseuds/Beryll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill the Pony and Shadowfax discuss their relationship to their riders</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Horse Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Written together with Osiris Brackhaus, my lovely husband

On the evening of King Elessar's wedding with Arwen a horse and a pony share a conversation about their riders and other things.

(* indicates Shadowfax speaking)

"So you are the horse of the old wizard...?"

Shadowfax ignores Bill

"Hello?"

Shadowfax disdainfully looks down at Bill

"Are you Gandalf's horse?"

* "My name is Shadowfax, King of Horses."

"What horses?"

* "All horses."

"That does not include ponies , I suppose...?"

Shadowfax looks down again  
* "No, I don't think so."

"So are you Gandalf's horse?"

* "I am no mans horse."

"You look like Gandalf's horse. Can you tell me where to find him?"

Shadowfax looks at Bill in astonished annoyance  
* "He is out on the kings wedding. Dancing with the girls."

"Nooo, not Gandalf, silly, his horse."

Sahdowfax blinks in annoyance  
* "every now and then I allow Gandalf the White to ride on my back, if his need is great. But I am not his horse."

"So where is his horse? That chap from Rohan, you know..."

* "I truly don't know."

"Oh."

Both horses chew their grain.

"Whose horse are you?"

* "I am no mans Horse, as I have already pointed out."

"Do you belong to a woman?"

* "I do not belong to any woman or man or elf or dwarf. Who allowed a commoner like you to be present at the kings wedding anyway?"

"The king happens to be a good friend of mine."

* "Which king? The king of small-grown preposterous packing ponies?"

"No, Strider."

Shadowfax looks over at the wedding-party, looks back at Bill  
* "You are not talking about King Elessar, are you?"

"I think that's what he calls himself these days."

* "well, I suppose he must know some low folks anyway... How comes the king being friends with a pony?"

"We know each other from the old days when he was still hanging out at Bree."

Shadowfax chews a mouthful of grain disdainfully

"He really is a decent chap. I think he will be a good king."

* "So you know politics as well?"

"A little."

Shadowfax snorts disdainfully

"I am a well traveled pony."

* "I am impressed. I would never have thought one could travel well on legs as short as yours."

"I like my legs just fine, thank you. They have carried me from Bree to Rivendell, up Mount Caradras, down again, through the cap of Rohan and to Minas Tirith. And I will walk back as well. And where have you been?"

* "May latest voyages have carried me from Rohan to Ortanc to Helms Deep, Minas Tirith and all of them back and forth several times. I did the trip from Ortanc to Minas Tirith in three days. Any speed records you hold?"

"So you are a southerner. And no, I am reliable."

* "What are you trying to imply with that?"

"Well, you mentioned yourself that you are only available if you feel like it..."

Shadowfax blinks in irritation  
"Well, at least I do not bow my head to any humans will. I am a proud and noble being."

Bill mumbles into his grain-sack:  
"And bitchy."

* "I have heard that! And who is your master arrogant little load-bearer?"

"Samwise Gamschee."

* "That truly is someone to be proud of. Kneehigh simpletons are in short supply these days."

Bill bites Shadowfax  
"Don't ever say that again!! My hobbit is a hero!! Without him you might be carrying a nazgul now! You highstrung mare!!"

Shadowfax tries to bite Bill  
A human walks into the stables. Both smile innocently. The human leaves.  
Shadowfax and Bill glare at each other.

* "Well, yes. The hobbits have proven rather useful in the recent conflict. Didn't want to insult your master."

"Okay. I forgive you."

Shadowfax mumbles something unintelligible into his grain-sack

"So you ARE Gandalf's horse, aren't you?"

Shadowfax sighs  
* "Yes, I am Gandalf's horse."

"Aha!"

* "Surprise, surprise."

"My master said you are a very good horse. And he knows."

* "That is very kind of him."

"I was looking for you to ask you... well, look at that, I forgot..."

* "Surprise, surprise."

"So anyway. Gandalf is a nice chap as well. If only he would wash more often..."

* "Well, since he has become Gandalf the White he has started to take care of his appearance."

"Has he?"  
Bill looks over at the dancefloor  
"Doesn't look any different to me."

* "Hmm... well, yes... sort of..."

"So where are you going now, that the war is over?"

* "I don't know. If Gandalf is in need of me I will bear him wherever he asks me to. If not I will go and freely roam the plains of Rohan."

"I am going home with Sam. I am really looking forward to my own stable..."

* "I could never stand being confined to a stable."

Bill blinks  
"Bur it's nice. You have a roof over your head. You get fed four times a day. Hobbit children come by and cuddle you..."

* "I can go and feed wherever I want. I am at home under the blue sky."

"You mean you don't have a stable?"

* "Of course not."

"You are homeless?"

* "I... err... well..."

"Oh... I'm sorry... If you want to you can come and stay with me."

* "Well, I think your stable might be a little bit to low for my needs."

"Oh, I am sure we can find one that fits you."

* "So kind of you. But I think I can do without."

"Well, if you ever need a place to stay you are welcome."

* "Thank you. So kind of you."

Bill eats  
"So tell me, any girlfriend waiting in Rohan?"

* "I have many girlfriends all over the plains of Rohan."

"No, I mean a real one."

* "They are not illusions!"

"No, I mean some sort of stable relationship."

* "I don't want a stable. I don't want a stable relationship."

Bill looks at him full of pity  
"So you have no home and no one who love you?"

Shadowfax (agitated)  
* "I wouldn't put it that way!"  
Shadowfax intently looks elsewhere

"Oh.. erhm... didn't want to hurt your feelings there..."

Shadowfax (shakily)  
* "It's alright."

"I miss my home, you know. There is this beautiful pony girl with brown eyes who promised to wait for me. She will be so glad to see me again, now that I am a hero. And I miss all the snacks the hobbit kids bring me...

Shadowfax sobs

Bill (oblivious)  
"And Sam is such a nice guy. I wonder if I will get to maw the lawn for him again. It's a bit tricky to get the height just right. Oh, and I just love fresh carrot pie. Rosie sometimes makes some for me and Sam..."

Shadowfax breaks into tears  
* "Oh mighty Valar, it's so hard to be a hero!"  
Sob  
* "And Gandalf never says more than 'good boy', pats my flank and doesn't look at me again."  
Sob  
* "Sometimes I feel so used!"

Bill worriedly nibbles Shadowfax's ear  
"Oh come now... He doesn't mean it like that. You just look so strong and proud he doesn't want to insult you with his affection, I'm sure."

* "He is so busy! And sometimes I think he only likes me because I am useful. But what about my personal feelings? I need some affection like any other intelligent being! Do you think he will understand that one day?!"

"Well, he is a wizard with his head up in the clouds. Maybe you will have to give him a little hint? Maybe nibble him now and again?"

* "You think that might work?"

"Always works with Sam."

* "I will try. Thank you. This was very... nice."

"Sure, you're welcome. And if he doesn't learn, just drop him somewhere unpleasant and come visit me. And I'll get you some carrot pie."

* "You are a real friend, you know that?"  
Shadowfax puts his head down on Bill's flank

Merry and Pippin come in, already half undressed, jumping into the hay, kissing

Merry: "Look, they seem to watch us."

Shadowfax's twitch nervously  
Bill: "Oh no. They are at it again..."

Pippin: "Naw. They are just horses..."


End file.
